Friendship – bendingtheneedle

Dinner with my Friend

I have four college friends with whom I meet every few months for dinner and drinks. It’s always a great evening. We relax, catch up, and laugh.

We’ve had two get-togethers since the 2024 presidential election.

Because one of our friends is a staunch Republican, we don’t talk politics at these dinners. It’s strange because if that one friend was not sitting with us, we’d be talking politics – not the entire evening, mind you, but at some point. How could we not? Look at what’s happening to our country – not talking politics in this day and age feels like a dereliction of civic duty – at least to me, it does.

Since Donald Trump won the presidency, we’ve seen firsthand the harm a dictatorial know-nothing president can inflict on Americans and citizens across the globe – every one of our allies hates us (even Canada!) now, and rightfully so – fuck, I hate us – we’ve become the nation-state version of the ugly American – taking on the personality of our intellectually vapid, bloviating, bigoted, bully of a president.

On one level, I think we feel that talking politics might reveal something about our Trump-voting friend that contradicts the deeply held values the rest of us have about truth, honesty, the rule of law, Democracy, and the country we live in. We don’t want to deal with all that on a casual night out, where the primary goal has always been to enjoy each other’s company.

And so, in this unprecedented era of political upheaval, we choose to bite our tongues. We keep our views on Trump to ourselves – sticking to familiar and comfortable topics like family, work, retirement, sports – everything and anything under the sun – except the fall of America’s Democracy at the hands of a deranged and narcissistic demagogue.

We sipped wine and whisky at our most recent get-together and indulged in expensive appetizers, never speaking about America’s seismic political shift and disastrous effects on our friends and allies worldwide. It’s a strange dichotomy—like we sense the orange elephant at the table and simply talk around it.

Sometimes silence (whether for fear of retribution by a government or to avoid feeling uncomfortable with a friend) isn’t the best approach. Fascist movements grow when citizens bow to fear and go silent. Silence can also damage friendships differently. When we hold our tongues to avoid being uncomfortable around a friend, we subconsciously fill the quiet with preconceptions. When that happens, we attribute characteristics and hardened views about that friend, which may or may not be true. Over time, these views can weaken the friendship.

Maybe it’s better to discuss everything openly so we truly know what each other thinks about America’s current situation.

I’ve had conversations with 3 of my friends who, like me, are appalled at the shitshow that is Donald Trump – and none of us can understand how an educated person capable of critical thought would ever consider voting for Donald Trump, especially after what played out before our eyes on January 6th, the stolen documents case, and Trump’s 34 felony convictions. I always thought that even for diehard Republicans, all of Trump’s negative baggage would be enough to say, “I’m done with this guy.” That doesn’t necessarily mean they would vote Democrat — just that they would not / COULD NOT cast a vote that would hand America’s policy keys to a malevolent malcontent who is drunk and hellbent on retribution and indebted to Russian mobsters and oligarchs.

POLITICS FEEL DIFFERENT TODAY BECAUSE IT IS DIFFERENT—In the past if a Republican won the presidency, I was disappointed for a few weeks, and then I moved on. I wasn’t worried about American Democracy crumbling when Reagan or George Bush was president. I understood that even though my politics didn’t align with theirs, we believed in the same core principles that define America.

Recently, I saw a post on social media categorizing Trump voters into nine groups. It’s less complicated than that. In my view, Trump voters fall into three (sometimes overlapping) groups:

The ignorant/uneducated
The misinformed
The selfish

The 2024 election taught us that when combined, these three groups—the ignorant, the misinformed, and the selfish—outnumber voters who think critically, and we’re seeing chaotic and tragic results on the national and international stage.

By the way, I know how I come across when I lump people into three negative categories—I come off as a judgmental elitist / absolutist. But here’s the thing: I had never categorized voters like this before Donald Trump became president.

Before Trump, the difference between Democrat and Republican voters wasn’t perplexing. Elections before Trump didn’t cause me to look for a deeper understanding of “what went wrong” by digging into the cult-like psychology of Republican voters. Before Trump, voters differed on policies and social issues but not on truth, integrity, and what it meant to be an American — that is not the case with Trump Republicans. Honestly, I hesitate to call Trump supporters republicans, because they are askew of traditional Republican values, such as free-market capitalism and a more internationalist approach to foreign policy.

I don’t associate my friend (who I admire on many levels) with any of these groups. I began to think that I was oversimplifying or over-generalizing people who voted for Trump.

The Ignorant/Uneducated

Voters in this group see a candidate holding a bible and humping the American flag while saying over and over Make America Great Again, and that’s enough for them. They either don’t care much for thinking critically or are incapable of doing so. They go with their gut because their gut is all that they got. These voters represent low-hanging fruit for populist demagogues like Donald Trump.

My friend is well-read, educated, and not a piece of fruit; he does not fall into the Ignorant and Uneducated group.

The Misinformed

The misinformed consist of the conspiratorial deep-state fear mongers who live on an intellectually unhealthy diet of Reddit communities, YouTube channels, and Joe Rogan podcasts and who believe that by consuming copious amounts of content, they somehow become experts in climate, health, immunology, geopolitics, the Kennedy assassination, and fake moon landing or whatever the fuck they happen to be watching while eating Cheetos and drinking beer – they gravitate to content that confirms their conspiratorial beliefs and hunker down in those polluted ecosystems. I include the Fox News audience in this group because Fox News is not a news channel – they are a rightwing opinion and entertainment platform. While trying to defend themselves in an 800-million-dollar lawsuit in which they admitted to lying about a rigged 20/20 election, part of their defense was, “We are not a news channel, so don’t hold us to that standard; we’re an entertainment channel.”

Fox News is largely a Trump propaganda machine that is on its way to becoming the equivalent of RT (Russia Today), the Russian state-controlled international news television network funded by the Russian government.

I don’t know which cable news station my friend has on at his house. But I know if it’s Fox News, he’s not getting a fair and balanced view (despite their tagline) of Donald Trump as a person or as a president.

I don’t think we can underestimate the negative impact Fox News has had on our nation and our family and friends who rely on Fox as their primary source for news.

The Selfish

Here is where things get tricky.

If we’re honest with ourselves, we’d say all humans are selfish to a certain degree. We get behind a presidential candidate or a set of ideas when we believe that candidate or those ideas will help us prosper and take care of our family.

Voters who fall into the “Selfish” group know in their hearts that Donald Trump is an intellectually lazy criminal thug and a liar. If they looked more deeply at Trump’s history, they would probably be open to the likelihood that Trump’s been compromised by Russian mob bosses or Putin himself. Still, even all that is not an impediment to them supporting an administration that they believe benefits them financially.

What matters most is taking care of their family and (if they own a small business) their employees. Never mind the fact that historically, America’s economy does better when Democrats are in charge or that Trump is a horrible person. If you honestly feel that Trump is better for your business and your family, I can see how that might override all the other shit for some people. I am not one of them.

At dinner, my friend broke the unspoken rule and brought up Donald Trump by saying his business had gotten better in the four months of his presidency. He couldn’t say for sure that Trump was a cause, but to him, there was at least a correlation, and he said multiple times that “facts are facts” and that his business was doing better. I’m glad my friend’s business is doing better—truly, I am.

But the country is not doing better; the world is not doing better; our Democracy is not doing better; the markets are not doing better; people’s retirement accounts are not doing better – legal residents are being snatched from the streets by masked agents of the government and whisked away without due process – there’s a measles outbreak in Texas where two kids have died. The leader of our country is demonstrably incompetent and cruel daily. America’s president has been credibly charged and civilly convicted of sexual assault and fraud; he pardoned dangerous and violent criminals who assaulted the capital. Trump is demonstrably a shitty human being – and I don’t think my friend would dispute that (because really, how can you?) and when I kept saying over and over that Trump is a shitty human being, he never disagreed. Things got heated for a bit, but we were able to transition to normal non-political talk seamlessly, which I took as a credit to the strength of our friendship.

On the walk back to our cars, we talked a little bit more — and we agreed that we look at Trump from different perspectives — him on a micro-level where a Trump presidency seems to favor his business and his ability to take care of his employees — where I look at the macro impact of a Trump presidency on Democracy, individual freedoms, social safety nets for the most vulnerable of us and adherence to western democratic principles.

My friend and I are in our sixties—we’ve got 20 years left if we’re lucky—and my question to him the next time we sit down is, what kind of country do you want for your kids or grandkids—a democratic and free country (like the one we grew up in) or an authoritarian oligarchy that cracks down on individual freedoms and forces political, social, and religious beliefs on its citizens?

Why I broke up with Facebook

You might have some real friends on Facebook. But Facebook isn’t one of them.

Facebook and Instagram use artificial intelligence and algorithms to learn our views on race, identity, religion, and politics. They don’t ask us directly about our views or interact with us in a meaningful way. Instead, they collect data from what we share, like, comment on, and engage with on their platform.

They analyze the data and come up with a profile of me and you (conservative, male, Republican, pro-life or liberal, female, Democrat, pro-choice). Based on that profile, they determine what content to send us. The content they send us reinforces our views, solidifies our attitudes, and affirms our opinions.

Facebook knows which content pulls us in and which content we breeze over.

Facebook knows what we like, who we like, and with whom we like to share.

What’s the danger in that?

What’s the danger of analyzing and understanding our behavior and then delivering content based on that understanding?

Isn’t that a good thing?

No, it is not.

And here’s why.

We share more about ourselves with data scientists at Facebook than with our priests in the confessional.

But the priest (in theory) wants to counsel and help us. Facebook wants to use us.

To Facebook, we are a commodity. And when you’re a commodity on a technology platform with a data-driven business model, you’re prone to exploitation and manipulation by powerful and self-serving individuals and institutions.

Facebook and Instagram are conduits for misinformation and lies. We saw this in real-time with the Big Lie about a stolen election.

We felt it with the fire hose of misinformation about COVID-19 and the COVID-19 vaccine.

The people who consumed and bought into those lies are lost—perhaps forever. Tragically, they’re part of a growing community of people who believe in misinformation. As humans, we long for a sense of community—more so, it seems, than truth.

Mark Zuckerberg and the other executives who launched Facebook did not have bad intentions. They had a business model and the technology to make that business model successful.

What they should have accounted for was the consequence of their success.

Categorized and codified by cold-calculated algorithms, Facebook incentivizes our human desire to be with people who share our views while fueling our dislike of those who don’t.

Because of Facebook, our society is more divided, less trustful, and has more built-up animus than ever before.

We see the unintended consequences of technology and human nature smashing into one another.

That’s why I broke up with Facebook.

For me, the detriments far outweigh the benefits – it’s scary because sometimes I think the best and only way to fight misinformation is to counter it with truth.

If lies and misinformation can spread fast on FB, why not use that platform to spread the truth?

Many of us buy into that argument.

So, we get caught up in this endless battle with others. We live for hours at a time in an environment of constant combat and argument—we look for mistruths, engage the enemy, and fight the fight.

Post-to-Post combat.

Blood pressures rise.

Friendships get wrecked.

Family members are disowned.

Nothing gets solved. We just become agitated at those who don’t share our views.

We willfully retreat to our camps, losing empathy, trust, and any sense of what holds us together as a country and a society.

We lose our ability to compromise and discuss coherently and intelligently with whom we disagree.

Facebook is toxic, destructive, and a danger to society.

We should turn away from it en masse.

You, me, Facebook and our dickhead President

Facebook friendships are tenuous things. Examine them closely, and you’re bound to notice some cracks in the foundation.

How many times over the past 3 years have you been stunned at posts from Facebook friends, wondering to yourself why the hell are we friends?
If you use Facebook regularly, you’re forced to reconcile the word “friend” with a fuck-load of posts that are diametrically opposed to the values you hold. Still, we hold on to our Facebook “friendships” – why is that? I suspect it has something to do with our relationship to the word “friend” itself and the social context it holds (outside the realm of Facebook).

In life, we’re taught that friends stick together through thick and thin. Being friends means accepting each other’s differences. We’re taught that friendships are a thing to value and that we shouldn’t dismiss them capriciously.

We’re hemmed in by the meaning of the word “friend.” We feel the weightiness of its definition and the social-contractual obligation that comes with being a friend.

So, we stick.

For a lot of us, our Facebook friendships are based on a shared high school experience. We became “friends” on social media because we shared the same teachers, coaches, classes, dances, parties, proms for four years. We suffered together, and we exalted together. So when Facebook came along, I guess we thought that sharing 3rd period Spanish some 30 years ago was a good enough glue and something we could build on.

Then, along comes Donald Trump, and with him, a strong need to express ourselves (both for and against). And now, when we read each other’s posts, we realize that 3rd period Spanish some thirty years ago is the only thing we have in common.

Nostalgia is pleasant, but it can’t bridge the gap between bigotry and tolerance, so let’s stop thinking it can.

I want to live in a country that welcomes the stranger and demands equality under the law, has a healthy respect for dissent, and always strives for truth. As a child, these values were instilled in me as “American values” and serve as the pillars of democracy. And because of that, these values became part of my “American identity.” Thus, these values are at the heart of who I am as an American.

When I see “friends” treat these values fluidly or as something to skirt around when they come in conflict with one’s politics or religion, it pisses me off. When President Trump employs fear and lies to chip away at these values to shake our citizenry’s confidence and divide us, it pisses me off even more.

The continued support of this President puts my “friends” in an ugly light. If I were to meet you for the first time today (as opposed to 30 years ago in 3rd-period Spanish), I would choose not to associate with you, and I certainly wouldn’t consider you a friend.

Americans who were paying attention in 2016 knew that Donald Trump was dishonest, morally deprived, and vacuous. That’s why most of us didn’t vote for him. But because of the electoral college and the help of a hostile foreign nation, we have a national security threat sitting in the oval office.

After nearly 4 years of this egotistical ass-hat, still no replacement for Obama Care, no progress on fixing our infrastructure, no bold initiative to combat climate change, and no relief or reform on the high cost of college education and student loan debt.

What we do have is 34 indictments related to Russian Interference in the 2016 election, overwhelming evidence of obstruction of justice, a tax cut for the wealthy that failed to trickle down to the middle class, a lot of cozying-up to dictators, thugs, and autocrats, an increase in hate crimes and white nationalism, a cabinet built on nepotism rather than competence, a divided nation, a dismembered Washington Post journalist, and a lot of brown children in cages.

What happened to us? Under this President, America has been transformed from that shining city on the hill to an unstable tenement house, its occupants at each other’s throats, all to the glee of a narcissistic, petulant man-child rapist.

The President is petty, dishonest, vindictive, unethical, and shallow. For the last 3 years, these traits have been on display for everyone to see. In addition, there is video, audio, and text evidence that the President is demonstrably uninformed and a shitty human being.

And yet, so many “friends” turn a blind eye to it all. As long as abortion rights are being restricted, immigrants are being punished, unemployment is low, who cares about character, truth, honesty, and integrity.

If you decide to vote for this President in 2020 because the economy is doing well, unemployment is low, and “USA, USA, USA!”, then you are no friend of mine.

I’ve never ended a friendship over politics – but let’s stop pretending this is about politics. It’s about values – decency, competency, and respect for truth, honesty, and integrity.

I won’t put friendship above these things.

That’s not compromising; that’s compromising my values.